- I am in adherence to all basic and advanced level techniques in hygiene - I even shave my legs if I know they are going to be caressed by a suave, well dressed man, akin to your standard Venus Gilette commercial! (I hope this happens to you as often as it does for me.)
- I can strut in heels like no other, always savouring the dazzled looks of men and women alike while praying to reach the curb without falling into a tree, cab, small child, etc.
- My outfits always garner at least one or two compliments throughout the day, even if it is coming from filth minded construction workers and the men who harass you with apocalyptic prophecies on major intersections.
- Although my social skills may be somewhat intense, I do manage to have a solid collection of friends who have yet to block my number or pretend to have been "really busy with my cat's yoga instruction" all weekend.
- People sometimes consult me for advice! Whether it be how much vodka should be poured into a screwdriver (the more the merrier), or how to pair a belt with a dress, I qualify as a bonafide lifestyle expert. Ha!
I hope the sarcasm needs no translation. I can be a royal hot mess, and not even the kind with a claim to a throne - the royal baby business has clearly infected this girl's mind.
In particular, I continue to be amazed by blogs, twitter feeds and instagram personalities who exude the perfect blend of sophistication, balance and actual following of recommended portion sizes on packaging. Seriously gobsmacked. I know people always jump to say "from the outside looking in.." but I want in, damnit. High sheen gloss and all.
My favourite of all of these has to be GOOP, by the infamous Gywneth Paltrow. I know her image is prone to hateful boos and snarky comments about gluten free, dairy free and joy free nightmares, but I genuinely like Ms. Paltrow. She is a beautiful, talented woman who is obviously well aware of the negativity, but continues to do what she wants. In total envy, I stare intensely at every post wondering how such a perfectly chic and ultra exclusive life comes together. Money, stunning looks, and well placed parents obviously have something to do with it, but not every celebrity's child turns out so well (as TMZ will prove time and time again). I am well aware I will never achieve such level of worship from the peons who always choose 'save' when given the option to 'splurge or save' on python Birkin bags.
So what to do? Is that even a question with an attainable answer?
Sure. The solution is to create my own glossy finish, impenetrable to a group of people (who at least in my deranged mind) look upon me with approval and envy. No need to be vicious about bringing a bitch face to a main stay position, but I keep a cardinal rule to always, under pain of death (or you know, death at the hand of humiliation) look put together and slightly overdressed for every occasion. Why else do I own an expansive closet if I'm not going to wear a dress and pearls to a 10am Monday class? Who dare utter the words "sweatpants" and "comfy-casual" to me?
It's the small accumulation of these things that build up an image of sophistication and polish. After all, how else am I going to blot out the image of a thoroughly wined blonde teetering away from the bar on a Tuesday night..
I may never have Jude Law as a lover or children named after fruit, but I have dark sunglasses I can smirk behind every time a fellow female enviously stares at my statement necklace. I bought it in Europe, sweetie.
With summery shade lipstick kisses,
Nicole xo
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