Fall Into My Lap: A Life Plan

Perhaps it's my indecisiveness, but careful planning has never been my strong suit. Logical action plans may work for some, but life has shown me it's the kind of party goer that likes to push you straight into the pool rather than asking you to queue in an orderly fashion.

Please feel free to reference any of the following as examples:

• Romantic comedies: dramatized, yet plausible! "The One" could be just around the corner. But first you have to be nearly hit by a cab, mugged on the street, and for good measure, have lipstick on your teeth. Even the movies don't spare us the humiliation.
• Engagement announcements which claim the couple met in a grocery store/dog park/bar. I don't believe you. Unless Amazon's online grocery section now has a chat function.
• Lottery winners. Not particularly for their sheer luck in winning, but rather the amazing ability of humans to find things to spend money on. 

As cliche as it is, life is unpredictable. I hate to sound like a bumper sticker, but that resonates with me more than most life advice. Meticulous preparation often results in heavy anxiety, disappointment and a longing for an imagined life which was never meant to be. How many hours of my life I'll never get back that were spent practicing Oscar acceptance speeches? A staggering, scary amount.

A clear sign I definitely should have been enrolled in more after school activities..

So why do we allow ourselves to fabricate these fantastical ideas?

Simple answer: because it's fun! Nothing makes me quite as giddy as imagining Liam Hemsworth holding a bouquet of roses, so why apologize for any of it? The five year plan is poisonous to our psyche. Granted I'd prefer to know where my next rent cheque is coming from, but I dislike the inherent belief that we can cement future plans. Imagine the people who stockpiled a supply of AA batteries for their home phones feel right about now. Preparation can just as easily make you fall flat on your face.

Life is meant to be a constant gamble, otherwise we'd have been handed scripts in utero. I suppose some people may even live that kind of life - woe is you, future monarchs and heiresses - but that isn't the best use of human ingenuity.

Sign me up for a tiara anyways!

Security is nice, absolutely, but there's a reason we veer off the path - it either doesn't meet our expectations, or plain and simple bores us. To tears. Have you ever cried from the mundane ritual of life? I haven't, and I wouldn't wish such cruelty upon my worst enemy.

Keep yourselves up in the air lovely people,

Nicole

I Hereby Announce my Candidacy for Sass Master

It's been quite a while since I last scribbled out a rant - back then ombre hair was still acceptable, I sincerely believed I would go to the gym every day during Christmas break, and my life hadn't been taken over by a little thing called Trivia Crack.

How the times change.

I do have to disclaim something before I begin, for the sake of political correctness. Today's contribution to my tiny corner of the internet has ulterior motives, and I'm one step away from renting out bus bench ads.

I want to win.

Win what, you may ask? What I was born to win. Something that is so integral to my being, that I would likely die without it.

My sass.

(and melodramatics, apparently).

I'm here to prove my undying commitment to the art of sass in my campaign for the highly coveted Sass Master award. Yes I'm completely serious, and I hope you're enjoying every word of it.

Some of you ladies may have experienced it first hand, others may have to rely on witness accounts. Throughout my four years in this chapter, I have never let an opportunity to showcase my great gift pass me by. I'm the one one woman commentary for the myriad of bad reality television we consume, usually involving gypsy weddings, crying Kardashians and staged lie detector testing. I provide comedic relief to the iciest of meetings and sharp, witty replies to boys who attempt to sass us back (as if they could ever stand a chance). I am the physical embodiment of this, and I know with the prestige of this award, I could possibly even inspire this. I'll start the petition, because it's essential to the fabric of our society.

I'm urging those of you who still haven't done so to VOTE. Where's your democratic spirit? This is of great importance, people. We've all seen the tremendous effects of exercising your voting rights - one only has to turn to the great one, Ms. Elle Woods, to know that nobody wants the generic brand - you want the best. You want to go to Harvard Law School!

And while I may only be doing the road trip, I truly believe I am the best sass there is. Who else would write this as a break from a 20 page research paper? In all honesty, there has probably been more thoughtful effort put into this campaign than my exploration of post-war German-Polish relations. My commitment to excellence knows no bounds.


Suffice to say, I think I'll make you girls proud. As a super senior, I've learned so much from all of you, and I attribute my growing talent to the sassy atmosphere I'm happy to call my home, my sisterhood.* I am happy to say, once you're sassy, you never go back.

If all else fails, I'm not above resorting to bribery - those who know me well probably aren't too shocked to hear this, but I've gone entire winters without shovelling snow due to the persuasiveness of baked goods, served with a side of undying (sassy) gratitude. For such a high stakes scenario like this, I may even spring for Starbucks.

With that, I leave you to make your decisions. I look forward to making another inappropriate, sassy speech (which somebody should probably film this time for preservations sake) and hope to call myself Sass Master, 2015.

To life, liberty, and the pursuit of sassiness,


Nicole Stanikowski


* sass is allowed to be tinged with sappiness on occasion