The Thing About Sex

Sometimes I feel that I have taken on the challenge of mastering everything to the point that it becomes second nature. Ease and grace is what makes life seem effortless, and I strive for that everyday. So, as the resident (self proclaimed) go-to girl for a myriad of topics, I can't help but feel a small sense of accomplishment. I am the keeper of secrets, the girl with no boundaries, the knower of all sample sale locations and weekday drink specials. It's a gift.

Without further ado, a selection of my favourite talents and traits. If I'm playing favourites, the last one wins out:

Want to cure hiccups? A spoonful of peanut butter, my dears. Hold it in your mouth for a moment and revel in the freedom from choking on a sound effect of airy gasps.

Need to fix a loose doorknob? Just hand me a Phillips head and please try not to block my light. Same goes for being the first to volunteer to get up on rickety raised surfaces to hammer a nail in.

It goes without saying that I am the first person to be approached as a drinking and/or shopping buddy. Both are points of pride for me.

Now, perhaps this is venturing into dangerous territory, and the Westboro Baptist Church may want my head on a pike.

I love sex. I love discussing it, doing it, and helping people break out of their shells to learn to enjoy it for themselves. It's like honey, I try to drizzle it onto every meal in the day. That was not even intended to be perverse, but there really is no helping myself when it comes to the meeting of two (or more, or less) bodies.

In terms of topics of a sexual nature, (anything from girth/length normalities, to lubricants, and the oh-so infamous "Do you think I need Plan B?" question of faith in the reproductive system) I tend to dominate the Jeopardy board of sex.

Is this normal for someone my age? Perhaps not. In all honesty, it petrifies me that men and women alike are so oblivious to their own bodies. Topics like masturbation, nudity, (legal!) pornography are so hidden away, it's almost laughable to think something we all possess is considered an 'abnormality' by so many. If civilization had tripped up somewhere along the way and found that ears were deemed inappropriate for public display, how would that manifest itself in society? I'll venture to guess that these would be far more popular.

Part of me loves bringing up these "inappropriate" conversations, just to watch the reaction of people. Truth be told, I tend to pick friends based on if they jump on board. If they shy away, with looks of disgust and judgement on their faces, I can assume we won't be having brunch.

90% of what I say, I can get away with because I presume to act blasé, as if it were a discussion about the latest possibility of rain or who enjoys the new Starbucks latte flavour. That is how sex in conversations should be handled, in my oh-so self important opinion.

In the same way that children introduced to a glass of wine at dinner tend to handle their consumption of alcohol better (i.e, they are not the miscreant lap dancing for jello shots), a solid sexual education gives one a leg up (ha!) in life. When you say 'ignorance is bliss,' I firmly disagree. An orgasm is bliss, and that requires knowledge.

So please, crack open an extra internet browser tab and find your way over to a nice wholesome list of the Kama Sutra, (I love Cosmo's for the illustrations and the abundance of pink!) pour yourself a drink - the common theme of all fun activities - and just go at it.

And for Christ's sake, if you are single and don't have this tucked beneath the bathroom sink, or god forbid this is missing from your bedside drawer, please stop reading and tap into your emergency savings/vacation/retirement fund and invest. I couldn't think of a better gift to myself.

With 99% effectiveness and a 100% guarantee of pleasure,

Nicole xo